That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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