Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize