The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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