Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
