Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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