You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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