Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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