I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
