i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
