God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
