it was like eating out sand paper
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
