DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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