Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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