The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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