Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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