Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
