she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
