you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
