he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
