I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
