wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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