Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
