So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
