my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
