I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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