i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
