I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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