It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
