She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
