When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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