Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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