She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
