I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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