Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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