I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
