god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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