4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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