Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
