I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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