Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
