Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
