I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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