The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
