3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
