You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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