it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
