I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
