I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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