I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
