Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
