fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize