One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He passed out mid-signature
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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