That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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