Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
