WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
