the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
