note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im six kinds of drunk right now
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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