I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize