i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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