They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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