just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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