My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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