I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
