I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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