I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
