My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
