god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
