ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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